SOMETIMES YOU DON'T GET A SECOND CHANCE

(written in 2008)
This will not be a long post. It is the 9th of January and in a moment of resting on my day off, I took time to think about my last day with Ken. Two years has whizzed by, life taking me on a whirlwind trip wherein time to grieve with quality has been scarce. Today I detemined to give concentrated thought to the last day that Ken and I spent together. Moments, incidents, words, attitudes, emotions, aches and pains, and joys started showing up on the little screen in my mind; but one thing sparkled through more than anything...the way I treated my spouse on his last day on earth.

In the back of my mind, I always hoped that my behavior prior to Ken's death would be sterling, if God were to call him home. August 31, 2006 was a bear of a day. We were suffering the regular pains of packing and moving as well as those of having procrastinated during the weeks before our move. Add to that the weariness of dealing with Ken's lifestyle of saving everything to do with building with the hopes of using it for a project...which he often did. Those of us at the house that day were tired and Ken and I at our ages were feeling it especially.

I was running on nerve energy. We had sandwiched four trips to Petersburg in between packing and tossing and cleaning. Our days were sun-up to midnight. I remember flying about doing what had to be done, knowing that the next day, closing day, would allow no more work to be done.

As I laid on my bed today, pondering, smiling, choking up, remembering, the only thing that gave me peace was thinking about how much I loved Ken and that I was SO glad I had treated him lovingly that day. I'm glad I wiped his face with a cool wet towel as he finished up packing little things in the garage. He said, "Oh, that felt so good. Thank you, Honey Bear." I'm glad that I saw that he was overwhelmed about six o'clock that night and that I helped him think through a good plan for dealing with the pesky last 50 things. I remember that he looked at me with gratitude and agreement. I'm glad that I didn't get mad at him when he carelessly hurt my finger, but instead just lightly mentioned it to him. It gave him the opportunity to pull me close and tell me in so many words that he would never hurt me...he called me his "sweetheart."

I'm glad that I called him from the motel, knowing that his knees always bothered him and especially that day after all the hard work, to tell him there was no elevator. "Is that going to be okay or should I check across the street?" I asked. He said it would be okay. One of my most vivid memories is turning to see him a couple of stairs behind me, making sure he was all right.

I'm glad that although I was laid flat myself that I lovingly urged him to take a shower even though he was so tired. And a seemingly little thing at the time, I'm glad I assured him that I would take care of his dirty clothes that were a concern to him.

I regret that there was not an instant red flag when Ken said, "I'm just so short of breath." I figured he was worn out and in my heart I was filled with joy that soon he would be able to rest and really retire...which happened in the greatest sense of the words. Yet, I wish I would have put him first and said, "Nuts" to the move.

And...lastly...I wish my whole heart that I would have dragged my weary body from the queen bed where I had fallen upon arriving in the room, to where he was--all propped up on his pillows, showered, glad to be prostrate, --and hugged and kissed him goodnight. I will always have the memory of him with his hands behind his head, resting, and off to sleep in two minutes. I wish that I had stroked his head and kissed his cheek.

Yet, God has blessed me with peace because I know my heart was pure and right towards Ken. How I loved him! How joyful I was that he would soon be in a place that he loved and could start on all his plans for the farmhouse! How thankful I am that God worked in my heart our whole marriage bringing me to where He desires for wives to be, and how thankful I am that the last eight or ten years, He had turned me completely around to adore my husband and recognize that I was married to a great man.

Don't be deceived...this kind of thinking applies to siblings and parents and friends. Our subconscious assumption is that there is still time to make things right; but we really have no guarantees. God leaves no doubts about how He feels on the subject. Unity, forgiveness, servanthood, loving "in deed and in truth" take up a lot more room in the Bible than "thou shalt not smoke." It is God's heart for us to love others better than ourselves.

How glad I am that the memories from that day are ones of love and support to Ken!